Melancholy

I am having a hard time motivating myself today.  In fact, it is after 4 pm and I am still wearing my pajamas.  The weather is depressing. The fact that I really have nothing to do is depressing.  But most of all, the fact that it is December 13th at about 4:30 pm is very depressing.  6 years ago today my dear friend was killed in a horrific car accident, the details of which I know too many.

I am, for the most part, resigned to the knowledge that God took her because it was her "time".  I am not at all sad for her.  I'm not even really sad for myself anymore although I do get melancholy at times when I think about who she would be today.  I am devastated for her mother.  Until Molly was born I had not really considered what Kristin's family had gone through and even when I did pull myself out of my selfish grief I don't think I could have possibly understood until I was holding my own baby in my arms.  Now that my girls have wormed themselves so deeply into my heart, the concept of losing either of them is heartbreaking for me. 

I always get edgy on this day.  I get nervous about Jared out driving to and from work(even when the weather is perfect!) I call anyone I know who is traveling and I basically spend most of my time giving into my nervous habits.  Today, I was changing Emily and when I was done I couldn't find Molly.  On a normal day I would rationally assume that she is wherever she is not supposed to be which is most likely the basement.  Today I ran around the house calling her name and what couldn't have been more the 15 seconds felt like 10 minutes.  When she came padding up the stairs with that sheepish look on her face, I grabbed her and squeezed her rather than the usual punishment of being sent to her room.  This silly anxiousness will pass by bedtime and I will wake up hardly remembering this at all.  But in the meantime, I am holding my girls tight, getting ready to bake a pizza and hunker down with a movie for the evening.  And I am remembering Kristin.  Her smile, her laugh, her kindness, her mountain dew addiction and her heart.