Melancholy

I am having a hard time motivating myself today.  In fact, it is after 4 pm and I am still wearing my pajamas.  The weather is depressing. The fact that I really have nothing to do is depressing.  But most of all, the fact that it is December 13th at about 4:30 pm is very depressing.  6 years ago today my dear friend was killed in a horrific car accident, the details of which I know too many.

I am, for the most part, resigned to the knowledge that God took her because it was her "time".  I am not at all sad for her.  I'm not even really sad for myself anymore although I do get melancholy at times when I think about who she would be today.  I am devastated for her mother.  Until Molly was born I had not really considered what Kristin's family had gone through and even when I did pull myself out of my selfish grief I don't think I could have possibly understood until I was holding my own baby in my arms.  Now that my girls have wormed themselves so deeply into my heart, the concept of losing either of them is heartbreaking for me. 

I always get edgy on this day.  I get nervous about Jared out driving to and from work(even when the weather is perfect!) I call anyone I know who is traveling and I basically spend most of my time giving into my nervous habits.  Today, I was changing Emily and when I was done I couldn't find Molly.  On a normal day I would rationally assume that she is wherever she is not supposed to be which is most likely the basement.  Today I ran around the house calling her name and what couldn't have been more the 15 seconds felt like 10 minutes.  When she came padding up the stairs with that sheepish look on her face, I grabbed her and squeezed her rather than the usual punishment of being sent to her room.  This silly anxiousness will pass by bedtime and I will wake up hardly remembering this at all.  But in the meantime, I am holding my girls tight, getting ready to bake a pizza and hunker down with a movie for the evening.  And I am remembering Kristin.  Her smile, her laugh, her kindness, her mountain dew addiction and her heart. 

Yep, they're cute!

Painting Pumpkins with Daddy

A rare but super sweet laugh from my somber one.

Pumpkin patch fun!

"Mom, whereareooo?"

Molly's new favorite phrase is, "Mom, whereareooo?"  It's such a little thing but it makes me all sappy and teary eyed.  I guess I love that she misses me even when I just go to do laundry.  I wonder how long she will "need" to know where I am at all time.  So now you know how easily I can be turned into a giant puddle of goo from one simple phrase.

Now imagine what happens to me when Molly yells from her room, "Mommy I NEED you!"  Yep.  I fight back sappy uber-emotional tears and run to her side just to hear her say, "I want cereal."

We have recently started having "conversations"  sometimes she will just jabber on about her toys or "read" me a book or she will just vehemently tell me something that is obviously very important for me to know.  I know that the days of her wanting to cuddle with me are short and the days of playing a game a little less short but I am striving to encourage a great communication between us.  My Mom and I talk for hours each week and never seem to run out of things to say.  Even though we live 3 hours apart and I am all grown up I love talking to my Mom.  I want that relationship with my daughter.  I want her to want to talk to me.  I spent many hours talking to my Mom in the evenings when I was a teenager and I can't imagine how rough those years would have been for me if we hadn't had that relationship. 

Maybe someday Molly will be too old to sit on my lap or fall asleep in my arms(although I choose not to think about those days) but I endeavor everyday to build a relationship of communication with my baby girl.  Today, when I took Molly into the grocery store I asked her if she had a fun day and she vigorously nodded and the said, "Play, gibberish, truck, gibberish, uh-huh, gibberish, Bubby(which means Abby) gibberish, baby, gibberish, Wee!"  I really don't have any clue what most of that was but I do know that she played and saw a Firetruck and then played with Abby which apparently she enjoyed greatly!  As she is learning to verbalize more and more each day I am so excited for our future conversations.  It reminds me that even though I am going to miss our cuddle time and she is going to grow up...I will always have conversations. 

Fall blues

I love fall!  I love the smell, the colors, the food and especially the clothes!  I hate dirt.  I hate dust and I hate mess.  This causes a bit of an issue with my love of fall.  You see, we live next door to 2 separate grain elevators.  Elevators which run 24/7 this time of year.  Corn dust has coated my windows, my back patio and my front porch.  Which means that every time we open a door, corn dust comes flowing in leaving corn tracks all over my floors and all of my furniture covered in dust.  This causes me stress.  I have no motivation to clean because I know that I can't clean my windows or rid the house of dust, so I don't.  Dog hair and cereal crumbs pile up on my floor which makes my early morning workout feel gross and depressing.  Because I can't open the windows, it feels stuffy and smelly inside and I smell things that have no business being smells in my house.

So today, in an effort to rid myself of my annual fall blues, I am cleaning.  I am dusting, vacuuming and sweeping.  It may only last until Saturday(because Jared will be home all weekend and that means MESS) but at least for the next three days my house will be comfy and cozy again.

On the plus side, my house is tiny and I only have one bathroom which means cleaning the entire house takes less than an afternoon...or a little longer if Molly tries to help :) 

Liar Liar

My husband told me today that I am prettier than "the hot chick from the pepsi commercial!"

He means Sophia Vergara.

And he's a liar.  But I love him.

Sweet Pumkin-ny Memories

I have been wanting something pumpkin-ny ever since it first got cold.  And we ran out of cookies so it was the perfect excuse to make pumpkin cookies!  So Molly and I went into the kitchen to get to work.  She sobbed most of the morning because her head hurt from a fever so I was happy to be able to make her smile.

I am kind of nutso about my kitchen.  Jared and I cannot cook together because he is too messy.  Drives me crazy!  So obviously cooking with a 2 year old is a challenge for me.  But....My mommy was a good mommy and let me make messes in the kitchen and I strive to be as good of a mom as she is.  So we got out all of our ingredients and utensils and started the oven and I showed her how to scoop the flour and gave her the scoop and she...washed it.  She put it in the sink and wiped it down with the sponge and put it in the drainer.  I watched, speechless and thought maybe it was a fluke.  So we tried again.  I scooped the sugar and handed it to her to put it in the bowl.  She dumped it back into the container and washed the scoop.

When Molly first began picking up her toys she would organize them into the proper boxes and would not relax unless they were all organized.  When she was 16 months old she started wiping down everything she could find with anything she could find.  Now when I give her the opportunity she loves to scrub the carpet with the carpet brush.  I thought it was a fluke.

After watching her wash the scoops I tried to encourage her to help me with the cookies by showing her how to crack eggs.  That got her excited!  So she tried it...and got egg on her hand...and screamed.  So she washed her hand.  And the counter.  And the bowl she cracked the egg into.

So maybe she will never be a baker but at least my kitchen is going to be VERY clean.  Regardless of the fact that I made the cookies myself and she only wanted to do dishes it was still a great memory.  We giggled and listened to the BeeGees and danced.  It was a great day.

Blessings

Three years ago today I was wearing a viking hat and having dinner with about 40 people.  My bridesmaid and I spilled blue fingernail polish on my mom's very nice carpet and I got a terrible nights sleep. 

All of that happened because 3 years ago tomorrow I married my best friend.

I don't like weddings.  See I wanted to get married in the courthouse.  Or maybe at the beach.  Maybe even in a church with nobody else there.  But...Jared wanted a wedding.  Sigh.  So we had a wedding.  A giant fancy wedding with the big poofy white dress(I actually really liked that part) and a large cake that I did not eat and a dance.  Had it been left up to me, we may very well have had a bonfire on the beach of Lake Mac whilst wearing our swimsuits and splashing in the waves.  But we didn't.  And Jared loved it.  So I did too. 

I think it made my Mom happy too. 

And now that we are married, I can't imagine it being any different.  I love our pictures.  I love the memories.  I love the fact that my grandparents got to see me get married.  I am so happy that we were married by my pastor before he moved(Jared calls him Colonel Sanders).

Most of all, I am happy I married my husband.  In three years we have experienced a lot.  Jared lost his job, then we found out we were pregnant and had a beautiful baby girl all before our first anniversary.  Now, two daughters and many rough times later we are still just as happy as we were on that day.  (Well in my case more because I don't have to decorate any silly tables or pretend to care about flower arrangements). 

We live a boring simple life and we love it.  We are blessed.

If I could, I would hug every single one of the heroes of 9/11.  And I am not a hugger.  Shame on the organizers of the memorial service for not inviting the EMT's, FDNY and NYPD who responded to that terrible tragedy.  They knew they were walking into danger.  They lost friends.  They lost loved ones.  They deserved to be honored.  They are heroes!


Mayor Bloomberg also banned any prayer from the Memorial service.  As a disclaimer I will say that I didn't see the service and I have no idea whether a prayer was actually incorporated.  That being said, I am LIVID that not only was prayer "banned" there was no public outrage at this obvious snub of our rights and freedoms as Americans. 

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.

If congress does not have the right to say that we cannot pray when and where we wish then Mayor Bloomberg CERTAINLY does not! 

I am praying for Mayor Bloomberg tonight.  I pray that God will show him the error of his ways and that he will be humbled before the Almighty.

But first and foremost, I am praying for our country and her people.  I pray that as we reflect on the senselessness of 9/11 we as a people will turn our hearts to God and place our hope in Him.  For if God is for us, who can be against us?  

This was my afternoon.  It was lovely!

I noticed today on my Facebook page that I write ALOT! Way too much to put as status. The problem is that I want everybody to know how adorably wonderful my girls are. Solution-blogging of course! I haven't blogged in a really long time and I miss it. So there is a ton to catch up on, but where to start?

This summer we added to our family...

Emily Diane-5 pounds 8 ounces, 35 week gestational age.

She was so tiny, and so sick.
My body doesn't seem to want to cooperate when it comes to making babies. Both of my girls were born at 35 weeks and 3 days gestation. They both had to stay in the hospital 8 and 9 days consecutively.

She is home now. Yay!

Big sister loves her baby and she has been very helpful.


I am constantly amazed at how quickly children grow and I am determined to enjoy each moment more this time around. Maybe that's why I don't feel as exhausted as I did with Molly even though I am only getting about 5 hours of sleep a night, 4 of which are co-sleeping hours.

Molly turned 2 last month. I have mixed feelings about that. I am so excited when she learns something new! But...2 is the age when everything changes. She isn't a baby anymore. She doesn't even need me when she falls anymore. Now she just say's "Ouch!" and moves on. It's a good thing I have a baby who needs me because if I didn't I would be in a serious state of depression!

She is loving life though, and I am grateful for that.





Okay, perhaps that's enough for now...gotta save some adorable pictures for my next post ;)